Impressions
I am a chance, taken and myself shown to those around me
I am exposed, risking it all to show who I am
It is up to those around me to see
In the end it does no good
I make my mark
Eventually the memory of me fades
Just like a rainy footprint on dry ground

You Never Called story

“You never called” she said bitterly as the door opened slowly.
A familiar voice spoke from the dark entryway. “I’m sorry… I just had some stuff that I had to take care of. It took longer than I expected. I didn’t get a chance to call.”
“some … Stuff? What takes you until 2 in the morning? Where were you David. Tell me the truth. All of it or I am gone.”
“ No Megan. Please. I can’t explain… “ He reached to turn on the light. The switch clicked, but nothing happened. “When did this bulb burn out? I thought I just changed it.” He walked to the living room. Another click of the lights with no result. “Megan? Is the power out? Where are you?”
“I am right here. I don’t know why the lights won’t come on. Is the power out? “She walked over to the window and looked outside where the streetlights were brightly glowing. Suddenly someone was pounding on the door. Megan jumped and screamed as David jumped towards her and covered her mouth. “SHH! You have to stay quiet. I know who it is and what they want. This is why I was late. I haven’t been totally honest with you about where I work. It is because of my father… I am taking care of some things for him that he didn’t get to finish. I never dreamed that it would follow me home!” More pounding at the door startled them both as they drop to the floor. The sound of breaking glass and shouting paralyzed them. Dark figures poured through the broken window and the now unlocked front door. They circled around the crouched figures on the floor and slowly smiled.

The cause of the pain
Stops the pain
The lack of the cause
Sharpens the pain
The cause itself
Loathes the pain
But the love of the cause
Is the pain
6/12/08

Destined to a life
Of shattered hopes
And empty promises
Actions and words
Normally held in high regard
Thrown around like confetti
Wonderful at the moment
But simply shredded trash after
Can the princess’s happy end
Come in the middle of the tale?
Then leave her, falling and alone
To face the witch of life
While he chases phantoms from stories
The future lies ahead…
Swathed in black
6/12/08

The world spins around me trying to collapse all at once
The weight of the chaos
The only support on itself
The voices of my life
Twisting and whirling
Inside my head
A scale with one pitch missing
I try to follow things
Keeping track of my life
But it’s too fast
Too much
I fall screaming
To the ground
To lie there in a shaking heap
Crying, trying to remember
Who I am
Why am I like this?
Where is this cloud from?
Why am I lost in the chaos?
4/28/08

I am just going to post most of my notebook now.

My light is returning
The darkness fading with my growing joy
The hollow spaces inside
Are starting to fill with light
Clean, Purifying the stains from the past
Not eliminating them entirely
The faint mark as a reminder
But the darkness that stays is coated in light
The past is slipping away
As the future unfolds before me
3/26/08 

Another Notebook find:

I am lost inside a secret place
Crying to get out
Forgotten by the ones who hear
Do they really even care?
They say they’re my friends
But when I become different
They quickly slide away
I lay helpless on the empty floor
Just dying to get out
I am found by the forgotten
I am fixed by the broken
I am me- Inside.

This is a one act play I wrote for my Creative Writing class a while back.

Curse you High School Drama

CAST

LOVESICK GIRL

BOY

SANE GIRL

CHORUS

“THAT CHICK”

Scene One

LOVESICK GIRL, BOY, and SANE GIRL are sitting and talking. BOY and LOVESICK GIRL have never met and SANE GIRL is introducing them. They begin to flirt.

SANE GIRL: No! No! Lovesick Girl what are you doing? Don’t do this to yourself!!

CHORUS: No! No! Never him! Anyone but him!

LOVESICK GIRL: But he is so attractive…

CHORUS: So is half the school! Anyone but him! Please! You will only get hurt.

SANE GIRL: Trust me. He will flake out on you. He is not a good person for your type.

CHORUS: Not good, nothing good.

LOVESICK GIRL: Maybe he has changed. I can change him. I will always be in charge.

CHORUS: No you fool. You can never guarantee that you will be in charge!

LOVESICK GIRL: Yes I can. Just watch.

Scene Two

Several weeks later LOVESICK GIRL is depressed because BOY hasn’t spoken to her in exactly 13 1/2 days. SANE GIRL and CHORUS are telling her to move on.

LOVESICK GIRL: What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he like me? Am I coming on too strong?

SANE GIRL: You haven’t spoken to him, you ignore him in the halls, you don’t answer when he calls. That’s not coming on too strong. That’s shunning him.

CHORUS: Yes! Yes! Shun him! Shun him! Move on!

LOVESICK GIRL: But he is so attractive…

Scene Three

Halloween a week later. BOY calls LOVESICK GIRL and SANE GIRL to come over and hang out. They go over and “THAT CHICK” is there. BOY flirts shamelessly with “THAT CHICK”, completely crushing LOVESICK GIRL. SANE GIRL tries to console her.

SANE GIRL: Hate to say it, but I told you so.

LOVESICK GIRL: What can I do? I hate him! He is so cruel. He wanted to hurt me. He… He…

SANE GIRL: He had no intentions of doing anything. He doesn’t think about these things.

CHORUS: Move on! Move on!

LOVESICK GIRL: He only wanted me over to rub “THAT CHICK” in my face!

SANE GIRL: He did not. He just wanted friends over to hang out.

LOVESICK GIRL: Not true! He wants to hurt me! WAHH!!!

SANE GIRL: Fine, I will talk to him.

Pulls out phone and calls BOY.

SANE GIRL: Do you like LOVESICK GIRL or “THAT CHICK”.

BOY: I am trying to decide, but doesn’t know who to pick. “THAT CHICK” is going to college in a month.

SANE GIRL: Well LOVESICK GIRL would kill me for saying this, but you are hurting her by confusing her like this. Hurry up and choose and tell her so she can move on if she needs to.

BOY: I will… eventually.

SANE GIRL: No. Tomorrow.

BOY: Come remind me during lunch.

SANE GIRL: HA you fool! If it is important to you, you will remember.

BOY: FINE!

Several days later BOY calls SANE GIRL.

BOY: We talked.

SANE GIRL: Oh I’m proud. Something productive.

CHORUS: Hooray for progress!

BOY: I told her I like her and found out she likes me.

SANE GIRL: Oh. Well, be careful. She bites.

SANE GIRL calls LOVESICK GIRL

LOVESICK GIRL: He hates me.

SANE GIRL: WHAT THE DEVIL? No he doesn’t. Why do you say that?

LOVESICK GIRL: He said that nothing will work out with “THAT CHICK”, so he likes me. I’m only second best to him. Why even bother.

CHORUS: OH GOODNESS GET A GRIP!! He is a boy. He means exactly what he says, no implications.

LOVESICK GIRL: Oh. Well… he IS attractive…

Another notebook find:

What are memories if not cherished?
Once loved, now shunned.
What causes the change? A desire for it all?
You can’t have everything, but want nothing
Have you changed or did I misunderstand?
How can I fight for something that does not want me
I am weak and lost, unfit for the fear and pain of war
Why do I do this? Why do I torture through changes and heartache
Hope.
Hope is what drives me. The hope that somehow, someday
I will win.
The hope to rise victor over the superior opponent
And gather my willing prize
But hope is just that. Dreams and fantasies.
Nothing is how it seems.
Hope lives but doubts stand tall along.
All through everything
Hope and doubt
Fight a battle
Who will win?

Another one from my notebook

Spinning, twirling, dancing, whirling
Life is fluttering by
A blur around my solid island
Isolated from time
The colors blend florescent hues
Blind my blackened eyes
My snow white skin and pitch dark clothes
A contrast
Sharp and vivid
The view of a girl
Lost inside of a life
Her dreams whirl by
Unnoticed
Life passes as she stands
Then black
All color fades and nothing is left
Just two footprints in the sand

I found a notebook with some things I have written in the past year or so. Over the next while I will be posting them here.

The world is spinning against the sandpaper of time
Smoothing, reshaping, repairing
I watch in fascinated horror
As I get sanded away
I am the dust of the earth
Gathered in time
Scattered
Until I am lost
Just a speck in the endless rotation of time

I was sitting outside the student building on campus a couple days ago in between classes when suddenly an acorn hit the ground, bounced really high and then rolled away. The fact that the acorn existed there wasn't unusual, seeing as there were several large oak trees in front of me. The curious part was how it got the speed it did and the force to bounce that high. As I continued to watch, I realized that the wind was blowing acorns loose from the trees and they were falling from the top down. These are big trees so they picked up some serious speed. Later, as I was walking to class, I heard the rustling that came before a demon acorn bombarded. I looked up and moved out of the way as an acorn came hurtling down. A bit down the line of trees a girl wasn't paying attention and got nailed. Hope she is okay!

The music flows through my angry veins carrying peace with its melody. The burn of anger cools as my mind opens to new possibilities. The pain of the past it’s forgotten, at least momentarily, in the wake of the hurt from the present. The sting of words bites and tears at all that I hold comfortable inside me. Nothing that I know is real. It is all changing as fast as I can become accustomed to it. Nothing stays the same. Routine becomes change. Mundane tasks become my lifeblood, all that keeps me going. The need to accomplish those few shallow deeds is the only reason for my life. I can trust no one, friend’s tire of constant troubles. Jealousy bites deep into my throat, cutting off the air I need to survive. How can I watch what I want be ripped from me by someone I know to be more deserving and better suited to it than I? I ask for things, thinking I know the consequences, but in the end they always surprise me. I never meant to become so involved. I thought I knew what I was doing. The strain is wearing me down. I need my strength, but my strengtheners become my enemies, attacking me and wearing me down instead of building like they should. I need strength. I am so weary…no sleep can give me back my strength. I need distance. No attachments, no desires. I need to spend time in a vacuum and heal. The commonplace needs to become my life. I cannot tolerate anything important. If I can get my energy into the few easy, necessary tasks, and do them well, maybe I can get enough energy to recover, stockpile the excess. I thought I was a person, not something that can be brought back when wanted and when more interesting things have been taken or are no longer appealing. But I am just a thing, tossed to the side when no longer wanted, then picked back up when I am. The doll is tiring of the abuse. She is wondering why her? Why must she deal with all this pain when all the other toys are loved and held? The pain of knowing what you could have had and having it denied is worse than never having known the possibilities at all. Ignorance is bliss. Those who never know what they could have had are much better off with the vague ideas than those like me who know fully what is possible but has been denied for no apparent reason.