The cause of the pain
Stops the pain
The lack of the cause
Sharpens the pain
The cause itself
Loathes the pain
But the love of the cause
Is the pain
6/12/08

Destined to a life
Of shattered hopes
And empty promises
Actions and words
Normally held in high regard
Thrown around like confetti
Wonderful at the moment
But simply shredded trash after
Can the princess’s happy end
Come in the middle of the tale?
Then leave her, falling and alone
To face the witch of life
While he chases phantoms from stories
The future lies ahead…
Swathed in black
6/12/08

The world spins around me trying to collapse all at once
The weight of the chaos
The only support on itself
The voices of my life
Twisting and whirling
Inside my head
A scale with one pitch missing
I try to follow things
Keeping track of my life
But it’s too fast
Too much
I fall screaming
To the ground
To lie there in a shaking heap
Crying, trying to remember
Who I am
Why am I like this?
Where is this cloud from?
Why am I lost in the chaos?
4/28/08

I am just going to post most of my notebook now.

My light is returning
The darkness fading with my growing joy
The hollow spaces inside
Are starting to fill with light
Clean, Purifying the stains from the past
Not eliminating them entirely
The faint mark as a reminder
But the darkness that stays is coated in light
The past is slipping away
As the future unfolds before me
3/26/08 

Another Notebook find:

I am lost inside a secret place
Crying to get out
Forgotten by the ones who hear
Do they really even care?
They say they’re my friends
But when I become different
They quickly slide away
I lay helpless on the empty floor
Just dying to get out
I am found by the forgotten
I am fixed by the broken
I am me- Inside.

This is a one act play I wrote for my Creative Writing class a while back.

Curse you High School Drama

CAST

LOVESICK GIRL

BOY

SANE GIRL

CHORUS

“THAT CHICK”

Scene One

LOVESICK GIRL, BOY, and SANE GIRL are sitting and talking. BOY and LOVESICK GIRL have never met and SANE GIRL is introducing them. They begin to flirt.

SANE GIRL: No! No! Lovesick Girl what are you doing? Don’t do this to yourself!!

CHORUS: No! No! Never him! Anyone but him!

LOVESICK GIRL: But he is so attractive…

CHORUS: So is half the school! Anyone but him! Please! You will only get hurt.

SANE GIRL: Trust me. He will flake out on you. He is not a good person for your type.

CHORUS: Not good, nothing good.

LOVESICK GIRL: Maybe he has changed. I can change him. I will always be in charge.

CHORUS: No you fool. You can never guarantee that you will be in charge!

LOVESICK GIRL: Yes I can. Just watch.

Scene Two

Several weeks later LOVESICK GIRL is depressed because BOY hasn’t spoken to her in exactly 13 1/2 days. SANE GIRL and CHORUS are telling her to move on.

LOVESICK GIRL: What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he like me? Am I coming on too strong?

SANE GIRL: You haven’t spoken to him, you ignore him in the halls, you don’t answer when he calls. That’s not coming on too strong. That’s shunning him.

CHORUS: Yes! Yes! Shun him! Shun him! Move on!

LOVESICK GIRL: But he is so attractive…

Scene Three

Halloween a week later. BOY calls LOVESICK GIRL and SANE GIRL to come over and hang out. They go over and “THAT CHICK” is there. BOY flirts shamelessly with “THAT CHICK”, completely crushing LOVESICK GIRL. SANE GIRL tries to console her.

SANE GIRL: Hate to say it, but I told you so.

LOVESICK GIRL: What can I do? I hate him! He is so cruel. He wanted to hurt me. He… He…

SANE GIRL: He had no intentions of doing anything. He doesn’t think about these things.

CHORUS: Move on! Move on!

LOVESICK GIRL: He only wanted me over to rub “THAT CHICK” in my face!

SANE GIRL: He did not. He just wanted friends over to hang out.

LOVESICK GIRL: Not true! He wants to hurt me! WAHH!!!

SANE GIRL: Fine, I will talk to him.

Pulls out phone and calls BOY.

SANE GIRL: Do you like LOVESICK GIRL or “THAT CHICK”.

BOY: I am trying to decide, but doesn’t know who to pick. “THAT CHICK” is going to college in a month.

SANE GIRL: Well LOVESICK GIRL would kill me for saying this, but you are hurting her by confusing her like this. Hurry up and choose and tell her so she can move on if she needs to.

BOY: I will… eventually.

SANE GIRL: No. Tomorrow.

BOY: Come remind me during lunch.

SANE GIRL: HA you fool! If it is important to you, you will remember.

BOY: FINE!

Several days later BOY calls SANE GIRL.

BOY: We talked.

SANE GIRL: Oh I’m proud. Something productive.

CHORUS: Hooray for progress!

BOY: I told her I like her and found out she likes me.

SANE GIRL: Oh. Well, be careful. She bites.

SANE GIRL calls LOVESICK GIRL

LOVESICK GIRL: He hates me.

SANE GIRL: WHAT THE DEVIL? No he doesn’t. Why do you say that?

LOVESICK GIRL: He said that nothing will work out with “THAT CHICK”, so he likes me. I’m only second best to him. Why even bother.

CHORUS: OH GOODNESS GET A GRIP!! He is a boy. He means exactly what he says, no implications.

LOVESICK GIRL: Oh. Well… he IS attractive…

Another notebook find:

What are memories if not cherished?
Once loved, now shunned.
What causes the change? A desire for it all?
You can’t have everything, but want nothing
Have you changed or did I misunderstand?
How can I fight for something that does not want me
I am weak and lost, unfit for the fear and pain of war
Why do I do this? Why do I torture through changes and heartache
Hope.
Hope is what drives me. The hope that somehow, someday
I will win.
The hope to rise victor over the superior opponent
And gather my willing prize
But hope is just that. Dreams and fantasies.
Nothing is how it seems.
Hope lives but doubts stand tall along.
All through everything
Hope and doubt
Fight a battle
Who will win?

Another one from my notebook

Spinning, twirling, dancing, whirling
Life is fluttering by
A blur around my solid island
Isolated from time
The colors blend florescent hues
Blind my blackened eyes
My snow white skin and pitch dark clothes
A contrast
Sharp and vivid
The view of a girl
Lost inside of a life
Her dreams whirl by
Unnoticed
Life passes as she stands
Then black
All color fades and nothing is left
Just two footprints in the sand

I found a notebook with some things I have written in the past year or so. Over the next while I will be posting them here.

The world is spinning against the sandpaper of time
Smoothing, reshaping, repairing
I watch in fascinated horror
As I get sanded away
I am the dust of the earth
Gathered in time
Scattered
Until I am lost
Just a speck in the endless rotation of time

I was sitting outside the student building on campus a couple days ago in between classes when suddenly an acorn hit the ground, bounced really high and then rolled away. The fact that the acorn existed there wasn't unusual, seeing as there were several large oak trees in front of me. The curious part was how it got the speed it did and the force to bounce that high. As I continued to watch, I realized that the wind was blowing acorns loose from the trees and they were falling from the top down. These are big trees so they picked up some serious speed. Later, as I was walking to class, I heard the rustling that came before a demon acorn bombarded. I looked up and moved out of the way as an acorn came hurtling down. A bit down the line of trees a girl wasn't paying attention and got nailed. Hope she is okay!

The music flows through my angry veins carrying peace with its melody. The burn of anger cools as my mind opens to new possibilities. The pain of the past it’s forgotten, at least momentarily, in the wake of the hurt from the present. The sting of words bites and tears at all that I hold comfortable inside me. Nothing that I know is real. It is all changing as fast as I can become accustomed to it. Nothing stays the same. Routine becomes change. Mundane tasks become my lifeblood, all that keeps me going. The need to accomplish those few shallow deeds is the only reason for my life. I can trust no one, friend’s tire of constant troubles. Jealousy bites deep into my throat, cutting off the air I need to survive. How can I watch what I want be ripped from me by someone I know to be more deserving and better suited to it than I? I ask for things, thinking I know the consequences, but in the end they always surprise me. I never meant to become so involved. I thought I knew what I was doing. The strain is wearing me down. I need my strength, but my strengtheners become my enemies, attacking me and wearing me down instead of building like they should. I need strength. I am so weary…no sleep can give me back my strength. I need distance. No attachments, no desires. I need to spend time in a vacuum and heal. The commonplace needs to become my life. I cannot tolerate anything important. If I can get my energy into the few easy, necessary tasks, and do them well, maybe I can get enough energy to recover, stockpile the excess. I thought I was a person, not something that can be brought back when wanted and when more interesting things have been taken or are no longer appealing. But I am just a thing, tossed to the side when no longer wanted, then picked back up when I am. The doll is tiring of the abuse. She is wondering why her? Why must she deal with all this pain when all the other toys are loved and held? The pain of knowing what you could have had and having it denied is worse than never having known the possibilities at all. Ignorance is bliss. Those who never know what they could have had are much better off with the vague ideas than those like me who know fully what is possible but has been denied for no apparent reason.

A couple Sunday nights ago, I was sitting talking to my mom when we heard a large bang followed by a smaller one. We both looked at each other, then at the window. We weren't sure what it was, so we kept talking. About 2 minutes later we hear sirens and look out the window. This is what we saw.

A car was on fire around the corner. The actual car is not visible from this view sadly. The firetruck and ambulences were blocking off the streets, as was a cop car and my neighbor's car. People were coming from all down my street to see what was going on. The lady who was driving the car was standing in the street crying, watching her car burn.

Within just a couple minutes, the fire was out and the firemen were cutting into the trunk to make sure it was not burning inside. A tow truck came and hauled it off. All that is left is a pile of glass and a melted fence.

ColdAn endless plain of purest white around me here is spread, My body aches with bone deep cold, I wonder, “Am I dead?” The panic builds inside this shell, made such by feelings, hidden well. A shadow falls, a footstep calls, reaching out to me with warmth. My heart beats quick, wanting relief from this deathly cold. I run, the ground moves quick, my flying feet are swift. Slow and sure the shadow draws near, arms open calling me. I slow, then fall into those arms. Alive! The Shadow fills my aching heart, brings courage to my soul, allowing me to carry on, In this wasteland in the snow.

Inside of me
I watch the rain pour down on the empty streets of my hometown. The rain makes everything clean again but can it rain inside of me? The rush of cool rain, streaming down inside of me. washing out the bad, taking some of me. I need the clean, brand-new feeling of a life that’s good now, but can I let it all out of me? I have no confidante who can ever understand me. I don’t know what’s going on inside my own head. If I don’t even know what I’m feeling, how can anyone understand me…

The Price of a Dream

Ever since I was very small I have dreamed of going to the same college both of my parents attended, as well as both sets of grandparents. It is rather competitive to get in to, so I worked hard throughout high school so that I could get accepted to this school. When it came time to apply for schools, I made a couple back up plans. I applied to the local State College and another in-state university. A few weeks later I received letters from both schools announcing that I had been accepted (no surprises there, one was open enrollment, and the other was notoriously easy to get into). Not surprisingly, with a 3.9 GPA and a 30 on my ACT, I had received scholarships at both schools. I had never imagined that they would be two offers for full ride scholarships. Full tuition at both, and housing at the other, for four years. I would barely have to work and I would be able to have the time of my life. But it wasn't where I always had seen myself going. Three days after applying at the school of my dreams, I received an E-mail saying that I had been accepted. That was good news in and of itself. Then it said that I was being offered a 1 year (2 semester) half scholarship. I accepted the offer from the school.

Am I crazy? Probably. For me, the experience of going to the school I have always envisioned, as well as living close to home, is a really big deal. Big enough that I would turn down two easy rides through college. I guess that is just the price of a dream.

Well I lived. High School is over and I am on to bigger, better things. Or so they say. I have a little over a month until I start my life in an apartment. And College. The beginning of the end of my structured life. Everything until now has been set in stone by the State. Have to go to school. Now, college is my choice, but they say what I do for the next 4 years. After that, who knows.

YAY! School is almost out! I'm almost a senior! I guess I'm old then. All my cool friends will be juniors! And I get new squashmore friends. I'm pretty excited for marching band to start. I still know nothing about anything i will be playing, but I'm pretty excited. This week has been awesome. Orchestra concert, then out on a date for Ice cream, then the Banquet, and a really boring Senior awards night that was redeemed by going to someones house to play a game. :)Then Camping with my family on Friday night, then Saturday spending the day with my family at the Scandinavian Festival. Then as the total climax watching The Village with some friends! It has been a great week. I'm passing all my classes. (it was close there for a while in math.) OK enough for now. I get to go put my laundry away. Joy...

Well!
I am incredibly sick of winter. It is now March. that means it should be getting WARMER!!! I want to wear shorts, sandles and lighter shirts. I want to be outside SO much. I'm also getting sick... which isn't much fun by any stretch of the imagination. It is too hard to make up school, so I get to sit and suffer through it. *yawn* oh well! One of the glories of living through High School.

Ok here is a list of some of the greatest things on earth.

Books
Piano
Jazz. Good jazz. Especially High school Jazz band Jazz.
Chocolate-Peanut butter Ice-cream (three anti-depressants all in one!)
Ballroom dancing-Fun to watch, even better to do.
Wind
Prom Dresses (only modest ones though...) :)
Gentlemen
Route 66 (never been on it, but Its my dream)
Camping in a tent
Chacos
Laughing so hard it hurts to move
Seeing your best friends happy, even if it hurts you.
Friends being silly with a hose.
Hearing your favorite song on the radio, even though it makes you cry
Getting sympathy and advice from one of your greatest friends, when they don’t know how much they are helping you.
Seeing a new dad with his wife and baby out walking.
Writing something worth being proud of.
Playing a song with your orchestra so well that your conductor has no negative comments.

I live in a whirled state of confusion. It is easier to just make myself a shell, enjoy the strongest surges of feeling, and just block out all the small swells than to try to handle everything. There is no real way to make everyone happy. No universal compromise. My joy comes from both solitude and friends. Things make me angry that should not. It is all very strange. I just cannot wait for school to start so that things get some semblance of normality.